Painting class

I am in the midst of what will be four paintings. I had to discard most of the ideas I had previous to class starting. All the paintings need to fit into the theme of self identify. I have decided to explore the spiritual side of my life. I came up with four personal messages that have affected my life. The messages were communicated in various ways over a period of years. For those who do not have a relationship with God that is up close and personal this may seem strange. But the God I love and know desires to communicate with us, all of us. He does so in a unique way that personally speaks to us. He has his own unique signature so we understand it is he who is communicating with us.

The first Painting is called Signs and Wonders. It is about a vision I mentioned in my last post.
I decided the photo I posted for the reference was too dark. I went to the original photo and lightened it. I found myself liking the work better. It is important to me to like what I paint. I will spend hours working on each one. I had to take the canvas and cover up the face with gesso. I took it back to school to put down the lines for the face again.

I added a light behind my face. I appropriated it from a painting by Olin Travis that I saw at the McKinney Avenue Art Center this spring. I kind of clicked with his paintings. They are very vision like, very dramatic.

My style of painting has changed from a deliberate breakdown of flat shapes to a more painterly style. I think it has to do with an increased confidence I have in my work and a new sense of inner freedom. I have less apprehension when approaching my work.

Painting two is about the experience I had when my name was called out at the Park Cities Presbyterian Church annual art show. There was an article written about me in their newsletter concerning this.

Theme Three winner Ruth Eshbaugh says of ”The Embrace”: ”The figures form a triangle as the two embrace. The Trinity is pictured; the Father, the Son and the relationship between the two depicted as an embrace representing the Spirit of God.”
Ruth’s work depicts the return of her own prodigal son. She says, ”I am very grateful to Jesus, who never left my side and reminded me that He called me... He has been at work. He was there when I could only roll up in a ball and cry in bed. He did not leave me there. He is faithful and good.
My next art piece is about being raised up from depression into joy and fulfillment. It is about worship.
”What I saw after my name was called in a church full of people [as a winner] was me in the fetal position having been stricken over and over and knowing that Jesus brought me to that place that night. Now that is art.
”It wasn’t enough that I won the award, my art was used in worship at my church and at Park Cities. I think He just wanted to drive home the point. I was honored, deeply honored, and I want to say, ‘thank you, Lord.’”
—Lawan Andersen

Painting three
This is still in the concept stage. It is about my call to ministry. The painting is called “be beautiful” based on Isaiah 62. I have written about this too.

Confirmation- Among the watercolors- Written to my ministry Team Dec 30, 2001

Dear Ladies,I just spent 3 days at Women’s Evangelism Training at Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary in Fort Worth. The second day, I was walking through their beautiful new leadership education building while I was on break. I decided to rest my overflowing mind and look at all the watercolors that lined the halls. I also found the round stained glass windows that hang over the lobby areas on each side of the building. I had interviewed the artist who had created them when we were looking for an artist to do our window. It was exciting to see the windows up close. As I strolled I was asking God what He wanted me to do. I had come to the training determined to be open to whatever the Lord spoke to me about. And as you know, He had been speaking to my heart about humility and pride again. But this time, He whispered to me, “Be beautiful. Can you be beautiful for me?” That really does something to your heart when you hear that from the Lord. “Yes,” I said, “I want to be beautiful for you.” And I really believe He can do that in me. I was impressed that He ask nothing of me or gave me nothing “to do.” He just told me how He wanted me to be.
And as you would have it, the teachings I heard that day were detailed in how to be that beautiful, spirit-filled over flowing woman, a woman who leaves a fragrance wherever she goes. And these teachings were presented by the most lovely woman. Their passion for the Lord had them in tears every time they spoke. I came expecting polished speakers. They may have been. I didn’t notice, because all I could see was their transparency and openness to what God could do through them. Be comforted in knowing what kind of woman inhabits the leadership of our convention. I was blow away..
What God was showing me is how concerned I am about how I am perceived and if I am received by others or not. When what the Lord wants to do is use me to tell others about him. I was able to share that in confession in one of our breakout prayer times. I could see clearly how my self concern, which is a form of pride, keeps God from working through me.
I have been concerned about being received because of the difficult seasons in women’s ministry. I had seen things in leadership that grieved me. I was hard pressed to find anyone who was even willing to pray with me. I was untrained, unconnected, without support. But I was called, so somehow I walked through it. I called it the dark night of my soul. I was wounded. I don’t think the women I served with understood how badly wounded I was. And it has been pride that has kept me from admitting my hurt, dealing with it, confessing it, and then going on to forgiveness. My pride almost kept me from going forward. It was why I took three months off. But I am determined to keep on and my three months off was the best thing I ever did. I have really tried to get “over it.” I have tried to bless the ones who hurt me, serve the ones who didn’t actively support me. I have tried to forgive. I really don’t think being able to shake this is totally a forgiveness issue. It’s also a confidence thing. I have felt pretty inadequate and God has allowed other people to confirm that in me by things they have said. It is an arrow that Satan has effectively used to hold me back, keep me in fear, and make me plan just want to run and hide. It is hurtful to hear those things about yourself, but there was something in those things God was trying to teach me. And it is s this: the only hope I have is in what those lovely ladies taught this weekend about being a leader and living for Jesus. I will never be polished enough, or administrative enough. But I will try to learn some of that because I serve in Plano and it is something people value and respect. But I will be transparent, and I will weep with those who weep, and mourn with those who mourn. I will celebrate your victories and cheer you on. I will take risks and put myself in places where I can be wounded again. Because I am called, I cannot retreat, or retire. My only hope is to be a vessel for the Lord. Any success I have will be because I have yielded and allowed God to work through me. I know the only way I can speak is if He fills me. And I am called to speak, because He was given me things to say. I can try to argue like Moses that I am not eloquent to speak. To that He would say, I will be with you and I will give you the words.
Thursday late the leaders asked us to go off by ourselves and let God speak to us. We then got together and read the scripture passage He used to speak to us this week. My verse was from Isaiah 62

“For Zion's sake I will not keep silent , And for Jerusalem's sake I will not keep quiet, Until her righteousness goes forth like brightness, And her salvation like a torch that is burning. And the nations will see your righteousness, And all kings your glory; And you will be called by a new name, Which the mouth of the Lord will designate. You will also be a crown of beauty in the hand of the Lord, And a royal diadem in the hand of your God. It will no longer be said to you, "Forsaken," Nor to your land will it any longer be said, "Desolate"; But you will be called, "My delight is in her," And your land, "Married"; For the Lord delights in you, And to Him your land will be married. For as a young man marries a virgin, So your sons will marry you; And as the bridegroom rejoices over the bride, So your God will rejoice over you.”
On my own, I will fall flat on my face. I realized I am stepping into something much bigger than myself and I need to leave that self concern and hurt behind. I am stepping into something beyond myself and I can only get there in faith. I can only do the tasks before me in His strength.

A Challenge- to the TeamDuring my time off from Women’s Ministry

I started to read “Jesus on Leadership”. At one point in the book the author says, “If you have not fully committed yourself to the Lord, close the book and set it down and don’t pick it up until you are willing to surrender your life to the Lord and make it public.” I set the book down and have not picked it up since. About a month ago I came to that point of being willing to surrender to the Lord. To tell you the truth it was after reading Foxes book of martyrs. I had no more excuses. There was no earthly reason to not give my whole life to Jesus for His work. I told this to the Evangelsim Team, but I need to go forward in church. I have not gone forward in church because I have been wounded. My fear is I will go forward and people will think and perhaps say in there own way, that I am not polished enough or gifted enough to do what I am saying I am called to do. That they really don’t see any potential in me. And to be bluntly honest, that is true. Unless I am that filled vessel there is little potential in me. There will be no fruit. Being that filled vessel is my only hope, because I cannot retreat, I have to go forward.

I am saying all of this because I need to confess to you the truth about myself, about my struggles, my pride, but also to confess what God has called me to do.

I say all this because I believe some of us are wrestling with the same challenge I have been, “If you have not fully committed yourself to the Lord, close the book and set it down and don’t pick it up until you are willing to surrender your life to the Lord and make it public.” There are some of us who need to begin to allow that challenge to rise up in us. God is calling each of us, not just me. I am as sure of that as I am that Jesus Christ rose from the dead. I am to challenge us as leaders, because the Lord has asked me to do so.I pray you will receive this from my heart because I love you and needed to tell you these things.

Ruth
Painting four – the blessing… still in the works.